So as I was reading some other mom's blog tonight, it occured to me that maybe, someone else out there might want to hear my story. After all, I don't know many people who've been through as many transformations in one short life time as I have - granted most were self-inflicted. And even if no one ever reads this (which I suspect will probably be the case) then at least maybe I've left a record of things for my little man.
I thought I'd start by telling you (whoever you are) a little about my husband. I will never refer to him as "DH" or any of the other cute little monikers others use - I'm too damn old for all that. But how about Fu Man Chu... yeah that will work for now.
So Fu Man Chu and I took a little drive the other night to our realtor's office to sign some more papers. We recently made an offer on a house, and I have a feeling there will be plenty to blog about as we go through that process. I wanted to drive, since we had to go across the local mountain to get to the other side of town, and I get a little car sick on that road. What I didn't think ahead about was that it would be dusk as we headed back up the mountain to come home - in fact it was pretty dark by the time we started the climb. You might be saying to yourself "so what?". I would have said the same or even laughed if someone would have told me they didn't want to drive that road at night. After all, it's a pretty small mountain, and compared to other mountain roads I've been on it might as well be completely straight. But I have some linger PTSD from my two trips to the sandbox. I feel a little silly even calling it that - I can function, hold down a job, I'm not having nightmares or drinking heavily. But I did a lot of going "outside the wire" while I was over there, and the one thing they tell you (especially when you're 1 vehicle, not in a convoy, and just in up-armored SUVs, not big heavy mil vehicles) is be back before dark, don't be on the roads after dark. And we often were out after dark.
I didn't realize I had a problem for a long time. I did 2 deployments in 3 years, with similar missions happening and similar bad driving. Then Fu Man Chu left when Little Man was only a month old, and I got out of the army and went home to be closer to my parents. I knew something was not quite right when I freaked out one night about going over to my mom's at 6 pm, because it would be dark when I had to drive home - but I lived literally less than 2 miles from them. It's taken me quite awhile (Little Man is now 3) to put a name to it. I haven't yet had the courage to talk to the VA at it, I think I'm afraid they'll laugh at me... or maybe I think they should laugh at me....
So all this is my Midwestern way of making a short story very long, but I think it's important back-story to what happened next. As we made our last turn before heading up the mountain, I realized it would be dark in about 2 minutes.
"Shit" I said.
"What's wrong?" said Fu?
"It's going to be dark when we're going up the mountain!"
"Do you want me to drive?"
"No, I think that would be worse. At least this way I'm in control" and we pressed on. No choice really at that point, going back down and around would mean a 25+ mile trip through down-town during rush-hour. I could make it, I would be fine. But I really didn't, and I wasn't. I freaked. I panicked. I gripped the steering wheel like it was going to fly off if I let go. I tried to breath slowly and deeply, but it became harder and harder as the panic set in. On the first high stretch I realized we were in the right lane, which is close to the edge (not really, but it feels like it in the moment) so I got over. Then some idiot flew up behind me - but I couldn't get over in the slow lane and out of his way because now we were on a curve! I can't explain why, but somehow I felt that if I tried to switch lanes at this point I would completely lose control of the vehicle and we would plummet over the side into the gulley below!
At this point, I think it needs to be said that I have been driving for more than 20 years. I am comfortable behind the wheel. I once piloted my car to safety when it fishtailed all the way down a mile-long hill in the middle of an ice-storm - and didn't feel an ounce of panic. This is not me, this is not something I'm accustomed to dealing with, but it is something that has really kicked up since we moved here a year ago.
And the entire time, my Fu Man Chu was awesome. He just kept telling me I was fine, I could do it, he was proud of me - he really kept me from having a full on panic attack right there in the car.
And why do I feel compelled to write this? Because things have been strained between us - he's fighting his own demons from the sandbox too and things are just not great lately. But every now and then we get a peek at the wonderful, powerful partnership we have and I see again what an amazing man he is, and I'm grateful to have him.
